The Golden Bachelorette Recap: Frozen Pizza and Tears

This show has turned into me standing in front of my screen every week, fists clenched, threatening the producers not to send Charles L. home or God so help me. I want to see Joan find love, but I also want to watch Charles do minor errands on camera while gently commenting on them. I would love it if Gary were also involved. They give us a sample of that and then make us watch too much of Kim trying to form an uncomfortable and belligerent men’s choir. What a week. Can you imagine if Jack were still here? He’d be trying to give Kim critiques, and then they’d each end up doing their own song for Joan, who, thank God, is being paid to sit through this. I miss Jack.

This week, we have two one-on-ones and one group date. Instead of Disneyland, they are whisked away to the other not-that-far destination of Las Vegas. Also Jonathan cries because he doesn’t want to go on a one-on-one. But we’re getting ahead of things.

The men are exhausted. They’re yawning all over the mansion. Everyone keeps getting up to pee in the middle of the night, the snoring is out of control, and Charles L. (who we can now just call “Charles” since CK is gone) calls the whole situation chaos. He and Gary go on a little outing to a drugstore to address this issue. They never let the men outside the house unless they’re with Joan! This is a delightful novelty. Charles says he’s going to fix the sleeping problem with melatonin and eye masks. He also says the beds are too soft. I trust Charles.

We learn that Pascal, if left on his own, would starve to death in his stinky, unwashed clothes because he doesn’t cook, clean, or do laundry. “It’s not for me,” he says. The men enable this by doing his laundry and making him avocado toast (MARK). This is a wonderful moment to reference Harold Skimpole from Dickens’s Bleak House, who constantly repeats, “I am a child!” in order to get out of doing things. Pascal does have a seemingly thriving business, though, so the Skimpoleness only goes so far. But people also enable Harold Skimpole! We thought that Mark and Gregg were the John Jarndyces of the house.

I do enjoy Pascal, and so does Joan, because he gets the first one-on-one of the week. His theme this week is going to be “opening up,” a classic Bachelor motif. Pascal and Joan fly to the Paris Hotel in Las Vegas in a private jet. Get it? Because he’s French. This feels like taking an American to the Times Square Margaritaville, which features the Statue of Liberty holding a giant margarita. I guess in this analogy, the Times Square Margaritaville would be in Greece or something. Side note: I stayed at the Times Square Margaritaville and asked the hotel staff to put a picture of Jimmy Buffett in my room to complete the experience. They not only did this, but they surrounded it with artificial rose petals. Above and beyond.

Joan and Pascal try on a bunch of clothes while a pianist sits and watches them in their sterile hotel suite, and then Wayne Newton shows up. It’s all very fever-dreamish. At one point, they’re dressed as Sonny and Cher. Wayne Newton looks both made of wax and five hundred years old. If you, like my wife, are saying, “Who is Wayne Newton?” he sings “Danke Schoën,” the song Ferris Bueller lip-syncs to on the parade float. Newton is actually eighty-two and looks delighted to be there, so maybe he’s having a great time.

They have dinner outside the fake Eiffel Tower sans Wayne Newton. Pascal toasts to “many cwazy dates.” We learn that Joan majored in computer science, which is awesome. Pascal opens up and talks about his childhood, which sounds very difficult. I keep wanting to comment on Joan’s listening face, which does not seem great on camera. She’s doing a lot, which makes it seem like she is not, in fact, listening. But later, Charles says she’s a great listener, so maybe it’s all the camerawork! Trust nothing! (Except for how great Charles is.) Pascal also reveals that he didn’t speak any English when he came to America, which is wow. Amazing. They go on The High Roller, which is sort of kind of a Ferris wheel, and Joan offers him a rose, which Pascal accepts.

At the mansion, Guy is apparently telling stories from the emergency room, and Charles ends up asking him a question about Charles’s wife’s sudden passing, which Guy is able to theorize about. Charles feels immeasurably better about having any kind of answer, and says he hopes he can see a new version of himself on this journey. CHARLES, I LOVE YOU. The men get the group date card, and it’s Chock, Gil, Dan, Charles, CK, Gregg, Gary, Guy, Kim, Jordan, Mark, and Keith. So Jonathan gets the other one-on-one. Jonathan starts crying because he’s worried he’ll be sent home from the date. Aw, Jonathan. It’s okay.

The group date is on a football field, and Joan introduces two “sports legends.” They are Eric Dickerson and Andre Reed, both of whom I have looked up online because I had no idea who they were. Dickerson holds a “rushing” record, which I assume means running at someone? Or just running in general? Andre Reed mostly played for the Buffalo Bills in an era when they went to the Super Bowl a lot. So that seems great for them and I hope they are having a lovely retirement.

You might think the group date will involve football, but no! It is time for the Golden Bachelorette Quaker Oats Kickbowl. They are playing kickball, and they’ll be in two teams. Jesse tells them that the losing team will head back to the mansion for frozen pizza and tears. (Me, if I were on the losing team: Oh no, I have to go sit down and eat pizza at home? Quelle tragédie!) Everyone tries hard, and everyone gets injured because they are over 60, and that is how bodies work. Chock says what we’ll do for a pretty lady is amazing. Get outta here, Chock! Charles has never played kickball and doesn’t understand the rules, but they tell him not to worry and just to kick the ball. He does, and he gets on base and gets a runner in. We later see Charles eating Quaker Oats with a happy look on his face, which is a pretty good ad.

Charles’s team wins, and at the after-party, he tells Joan about his talk with Guy, and says he had blamed himself, thinking he hadn’t done enough, but that this lifted that burden. Joan gets teary and tells Charles he carried that around for so long. To the camera, Charles calls Joan intelligent, beautiful, charming, and a great listener. So again, maybe I’m full of shit. During the party, Joan gets a call about her 92-year-old mother, who is ill. She tells us that in her family, she feels like she has to be the fixer and push her emotions down. Something that will likely be relatable for many women!

Gary not only offers to pray for Joan’s mom, Mary, but later gives Joan a framed version of the prayer he wrote, something that would make me love Gary forever. This could be done in an asshole way, but he doesn’t do it that way. Damn, I love Gary. Joan tells him how positive and encouraging he is and how he really sees people, and Gary gets emotional to the camera about how it feels to be noticed and like he matters. GARYYYY.

Gil gets the group rose. Get outta here, Gil!!

Back at the mansion, Kim tries to get everyone to sing his song “We Are the Mansion Men,” and when Dan says that that’s Kim’s song and not theirs, Kim says Beethoven wrote the Fifth Symphony, but a whole orchestra performed it. Good point, Kim.

Jonathan and Joan go horseback riding for Jonathan’s one-on-one, something neither of them is comfortable doing. Joan assumed Jonathan had ridden a horse before because he’s from Iowa. What? That’s not an Iowa stereotype! I’m from Illinois, and while we don’t have a lot of thoughts about Iowa, the main one I know of is “corn.” If he said he’d never eaten corn, I’d be shocked. But I think I’d be shocked about that for anyone from America. It’s pretty easy to get corn, unlike a horse, which is a half-ton animal that requires a large area and expensive stabling fees.

The Bachelor franchise loves a horseback riding date, presumably because they think it’s romantic. It’s different than sitting at a tiny round table and not eating the food in front of you, but have you tried having a conversation with someone while riding a horse? Jonathan himself points out that it’s super awkward, especially when you’re not actually good at riding. Whatever, they have a nice time. Jonathan says his wife told him out of the blue that she wanted a divorce. I’d be really interested to hear her side of that. Joan thinks Jonathan has a calming presence about him and gives him a rose.

Before the rose ceremony, Joan gulps some wine and gives a speech about how she has been acting like a caregiver because they’ve been so vulnerable with her, but that doesn’t let them know who she really is, so she’s committing to being vulnerable. She also says that being strong is exhausting, and she’s tired. Yes, Joan!! This is why every woman gets emo about Luisa’s song in Encanto. Joan tells the men she misses her family and kids, and her mom is sick, and she realizes she’s always going to reserve a piece of her heart for John. She then tells the camera that she wouldn’t blame the men if it scared them. No, Joan!! This was such human stuff. Also, if someone was like, “Hey, I know you were married to that person for over thirty years, but I’m gonna need you to forget them,” they would be the worst.

Gerry shows up and encourages Joan. It’s fine. Charles gives Joan a picture of him and his wife. Charles, I love you so much, but you are not ready for this show. That being said, I do want you to stay for a few more weeks. Anyway, we’re on to the rose ceremony.

Guy, Dan, Gary (thank GOD), Jordan, Chock, Charles, Keith, and Mark get roses. This means Gregg, CK, and Kim are gone. Guy comes outside to say goodbye to Kim and they sing We Are the Mansion Men again. I support friendship.

Using the Michael Scott “Beach Games” system of points, I will be doling out 10 points, a gold star, and a thumbs-up every week. And one person will be pushed into a chocolate river.

• 10 Points: To Gregg for diving into third base for a low-stakes kickball game.

• Gold Star: To Joan’s rose ceremony dress. I love it so much.

• Thumbs-Up: To the producers for allowing an off-campus field trip. Please allow the men more friendship outings.

• Pushed into a Chocolate River: Gerry. Too much bad press, Gerry. Also, I don’t need to know what happened with Theresa, but it was so weird, which then brings weird vibes into Joan’s story.